Coming Out

By The Reverend Peter D. D’Angio, Saint Luke’s Episcopal Church - Scranton
A sermon preached at the service for the Rainbow Alliance, 30 September 2007

The Sermon
I’m Peter D’Angio and I’m priest in charge at Saint Luke’s Episcopal Church in Scranton. My partner and I arrived in Northeastern Pennsylvania seven months ago; it’s a joy to connect with the Rainbow Alliance and to be part of this day.

After you leave here you’ll be going to watch “The Saint of 9/11″ which tells the story of Father Mychal Judge, the New York City fire department chaplain who died at Ground Zero on September 11th. As you’ll see in the film, queer people like Father Judge struggle in the church, just like they struggle in life. But that does not mean that the church does not have a place for sexual minorities, as Jesus makes clear in the story of the wedding banquet that we hear today from Luke’s gospel.

How can imagine the story in modern day terms? Well, I’m a big fan of the Style Channel (who would have guessed?) and I sometimes watch “Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?” which tells stories of wedding planners and brides locking horns. So here’s Jesus’ story as told on “Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?”

The father of the bride has hired the best venue for the wedding reception, and we see the camera lovingly hovering over the beautiful table settings, the gorgeous flowers, and all the rest of the details. The father barges into the scene and demands that the wedding planner do something about the fact that none of the guests have shown up for the wedding.

Ever resourceful the (gay) wedding planner goes the immigration office and gets all the people waiting in line there. He hires a bus to go to a local nursing home to get all the residents, some of whom are in wheelchairs, some on walkers. He goes to some place like the 12 Penny which just happens to be having drag night and brings all the drag kings and queens, as well as all the other patrons. Finally, when all these people have assembled and sit down at the lovely tables the father of the bride says, “Now the party can begin!” Of course, it is a fabulous party as only queer folk can pull off!

More…
What Jesus tells us in this story this morning is that we have a place at that party with him. He reverses the societal expectation that we are outcasts and he tells us, and all the rest of the marginalized, that we are honored guests to him, contrary to what the church often says in word and deed.

We find Jesus’ attitude reflected in the letter of John which says: “Little children, let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action. And by this we will know that we are from the truth…” (1 John 3:18-19a). What I hear in this is that as queer folk, we have to speak the truth in love about our own lives. We have to come out and in coming out we will know ourselves as both truthful and whole. In this call to come out, and I would add to come out in the church, we start from the belief that God created and continues to create us as who we are: lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, intersexed and yes even straight, and that that is GOOD. God did not create LGBTI folk as second class citizens, any more than God did women or people of color, despite what some denominations have outwardly taught at times or at least implied. When we tell the truth of our lives we can integrate the social, erotic, and spiritual; we speak the truth to power, which empowers not only us but those around us. And the place to do this is not only in our families and in the workplace but in the church as well because the church needs to hear our voices as the beloved people of God.

I get the question “Why bother with the church?” all the time, and not just from queer folk. The argument goes something like this: God is everywhere not just in the church and I have my own spirituality even though I’m not really religious. So why should I come to the church which is so messed up about human sexuality anyway? But there’s a flaw in this stance: being spiritual alone is kind of like being queer alone; it’s possible, but not very rewarding. Spirituality practiced in the closet tends to produce a similar thing to sexuality practiced in the closet: the elements of being a spiritual person are all there just like the elements of being a member of a sexual minority. But they just haven’t been allowed to grow or to see the light of day. We all know what happens when someone comes out as queer; they undergo a process of growth and transformation, but it takes a community to help make that happen, and that’s why we’re here today to help to continue to make a community which we and others like us can be a part of.

The same thing happens when we come out to Jesus; our spiritual lives grow and blossom. But we need the love and support of other people on the same journey and that’s what the church is all about, just like what the queer community is all about. There are churches out there like Saint Stephen’s and like Saint Luke’s that welcome you and where you will hear the truth of our lives proclaimed from the pulpit. One young man said he was electrified the first time he heard me use the word “gay” in a sermon, and he began a journey with us at Saint Luke’s. Just after his twenty-first birthday he stood in the pulpit at Saint Luke’s and preached a sermon about diversity, acceptance, and the truth of his life. People’s attention was riveted on him throughout the sermon and in the line at the back of church after the service people commented glowingly on his message.

Often hidden inside stone walls like these are places of warmth, acceptance and community. But churches Saint Stephen’s and Saint Luke’s have to struggle to come out in a queer culture that equates Christianity with homophobia, judgmentalism, and narrow-minded prudishness. All the parties involved: queer folk, our straight allies, and the church are engaged in the process of coming out, not only to each other but also to God. And with all us all stands Jesus who says to one and all alike, “Come and join my party.”

The Readings

First reading: 1 John 3:16-23
We know love by this, that Jesus laid down his life for us and we ought to lay down our lives for one another. How does God’s love abide in anyone who has the world’s goods and sees a brother or sister in need and yet refuses help? Little children, let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action. And by this we will know that we are from the truth and will reassure our hearts before him whenever our hearts condemn us; for God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have boldness before God; and we receive from him whatever we ask, because we obey his commandments and do what pleases him. And this is his commandment –  that we should believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us.

Second reading: Luke 14:15b-24
While attending a banquet with the scribes and Pharisees, Jesus said, “Someone gave a great dinner and invited many. At the time for the dinner he sent his slave to say to those who had been invited, “Come; for everything is ready now.’ But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said to him, “I have bought a piece of land, and I must go out and see it; please accept my regrets.’ Another said, “I have bought five yoke of oxen, and I am going to try them out; please accept my regrets.’ Another said, “I have just been married, and therefore I cannot come.’ So the slave returned and reported this to his master. Then the owner of the house became angry and said to his slave, “Go out at once into the streets and lanes of the town and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind, and the lame.’ And the slave said, “Sir, what you ordered has been done, and there is still room.’ Then the master said to the slave, “Go out into the roads and lanes, and compel people to come in, so that my house may be filled. For I tell you, none of those who were invited will taste my dinner.”

Preached at Saint Stephen’s Episcopal Church, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, 30 September 2007.
All Bible quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version (NRSV), unless noted otherwise.

Everyone:

Thanks again to those of you who came out this weekend for the film festival.  We estimate that we saw around 125 unique participants over the three-day event.  Expect an recap and update from us soon!

Now, we have a number of events going on in October that I want to make you aware of immediately.

GLBT History Month
Starting today, we are participating in GLBT History Month.   Each day during October we’ll present a short profile of a GLBT leader.  Look for these profiles on http://gaynepa.com, http://blog.gaynepa.com, and http://myspace.com/gaynepa. Also, if you’re on Comcast cable, look for occasional commercials.

Transformation Tuesdays
We’ll be hosting nights out at local supportive businesses starting on Tuesday the 9th and every Tuesday afterwards in October.  Visit http://rainbow.dcssites.com/tuesdays/ for the schedule of events and printable coupons.   Each event starts at 5:30 p.m. and goes through 8 p.m.

The schedule is as follows:
Oct. 9th: Ground Round, Wilkes-Barre
Oct. 16th: Barnes & Noble at Arena Hub Plaza, Wilkes-Barre*
Oct. 23rd: The Banshee Pub, Scranton*
Oct. 30th: The FireGrill @ Inn at Nichols Village, Clarks Summit
* - also business networking events

“Remembering Keith” - Benefits for the Diversity Partnership
Keith Haring’s bold, cartoon-like images have made him an icon in modern art and GLBT civil rights.  Keith’s sister Kay will join the Diversity Partnership of The Luzerne Foundation on Sunday, October 14, 2007 at two events in Northeastern Pennsylvania.  Funds raised from this event will be tripled due to a matching grant.
EVENTS:
1:00 p.m. at Keystone College (donations will be accepted)
3:00 p.m. at Wyoming Valley Red Cross ($25 donation per person)
For more information call 570-371-6555 or e-mail diversity@luzfdn.org.

FOR MORE INFORMATION about any of these events, e-mail john@gaynepa.com or call 570-606-4410.

This anonymous posting comes to us following our request for stories about discrimination in housing and the workplace. If you have been fired, passed over for a promotion, or denied employment… or if you have been denied housing or evicted because someone thought/found out you were gay… please send us your story at info@gaynepa.com.

In 1999, I was issued a company service award on a Thursday and fired on the spot on a Monday morning without reason. I later found out that my ex-husband made a phone call to my fundamentalist Christian supervisor indicating that I was a lesbian and leaving him for a woman. That organization falsified documentation to support my termination. I became embattled in a he said she said with unemployment and although I could verify my status and claims, they took the word of the employer as valid (not unlike experiences you have when trying to dispute issues on your credit report).

Read the rest of this entry »

Coming Out:  Jim’s Story

Sometimes, sacrifices must be made in order to gain something.  And, when coming out, acceptance sometimes is one of those sacrifices.

James, 53 of Dunmore has been out for two and half decades.  Coming out, for him, meant losing a few close friends.  However, now happily married he has come to terms with what he lost, and happy for what he has gained.

James was 25 years old when he first came out to others, although he knew he was gay since age 19.  He first came out to a girl he was dating at the time.

“What can I say?  I was trying to be straight,” he admitted.  “But once I admitted the truth to myself, I couldn’t lie to her and have her hope for something that would never be.”

James was also in the Army, and during this time he was fearful of people finding out his secret.  That, personal emotions and how to introduce his partner were all some challenges he had to overcome.

“I couldn’t stand the lying.  Also, when I was in the Army, I was always fearful of someone finding out.  It was also difficult knowing how to introduce my partner at the time.  I didn’t want to lie, but I couldn’t face telling the truth.  I certainly felt different and less than my brothers and sisters and friends because of being gay,” he said.

When James came out to his family, he had been with his partner, Larry two years.

“My family did not know that we were gay.  Imagine that,” he said.

At the time, James’ partner was divorced with three children.  While his ex-wife had custody of the children, Larry’s oldest son had some problems with his stepfather and ran away to be with his father.
James’ decided that because of Larry’s ex-wife temperament and fear of her taking Larry to court for a custody batter, he decided it was time to come out to his family.

“I thought that I would rather have my family hear I was gay from me, rather than possibly read it in the papers,” he said.

James is the youngest of five children, with two older brothers and two older sisters.  Shortly after Larry’s son moved in with them, he decided he would come out to his family in writing.  He sat down and wrote each sibling a personal letter.

“It turned out that none of them or their spouses suspected I was gay, except for one brother-in-law,” he said.  “There were all supportive and each took their turn to call me and they basically said that it didn’t matter.”

James added that one brother said he didn’t understand but said, “You’re still my brother.” However, James added that his coming out was something that none of his siblings really wanted to talk about.
Coming out to his siblings was the first step.  James’ mother was deceased at the time, and he waited until much later to tell his father.

“We both had a lot to drink (when I told him.)  The next day I went down to see him again and the first thing he said was, ‘I remember everything we talked about last night and it’s okay.’”

After he came out, James says he felt much better.  However, there were still challenges.

“It was freeing.  But, I think I still had some internal homophobia that I had to work on.  But, I felt much better about myself,” he said.
Another challenge he faced, like many others do, is the process of coming out, over and over again.

“It was hard in the beginning.  After I tell my family, who do I tell next?  How will they react?  My most dominant thought at the time was I would lose everyone, not because of who I am (which I was told was a nice person), but because of what I am,” he said, adding that he didn’t tell his coworkers right away.

As far as losses go, James says he lost his best friend and the relationship with the girl he was seeing at the time he came out.
But what he gained was a husband.  James and Larry were married May 20, 2006 at the Victoria Inns and Suites in Pittston.

“It was wonderful, everything that we both had dreamed of. We had 90 people in attendance family and friends, straight and gay.  And the ceremony was performed by our good friends Richard Todd and Giles Leech. They actually introduced us. I met Larry on a blind date.”
James continued: “After we exchanged our vows everyone in the room started clapping and cheering.  It was a moment we will both always remember.  Thank goodness we have it on tape!”

James said that after the ceremony, he and Larry felt closer than they did before.  (“If at all possible!”)  And, he heard something very meaningful from one of his brothers.

“My straight brother told him with all sincerity, ‘your part of the family now,’” said James.

James said that coming out, over 25 years ago, has been a remarkable experience.

“It’s frightening and exciting and puts a calm and peace in my life that I had not known up until then,” he said.  “I am happy, content and positive about who and what I am.  It’s great.”

Now that he has found a lifetime partner that he shared vows with in front of supportive friends and family, life is even better.  Perhaps, complete.

“I’m happier than I have ever been, even with all of the everyday problems that all people have, we both have our anchor now and it will hold us close for a lifetime.”

Editor: Donna Talarico

Coming Out: Chris’s Story
By Christopher Visavati, 40

I came out to my parents about four years ago. I had previously told my one sister and she was going to be there when I told them.

One weekend, I came up to visit my family from Maryland, where I living at the time. My mom was getting my dad’s clothes and things ready for a trip he was going on. My dad was sitting in his chair watching TV. I had called my sister into the living room and told her that I was ready.

My mom was still going back and forth from their room to the kitchen. I looked at my sister and she had grabbed my mom’s hand. She told my mom to sit down for a minute.

I sat there looked at my parents and said, “I have to tell you something that is going to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to tell you.” They sat there and looked at me.

I started saying it, but I started crying, which made my mom cry. I finally blurted it out.

“I’m gay.”

My mom stopped crying– just like that– and said, “Yeah and….You are my son and I don’t care.” My dad looked at me and he said, “I don’t care as long as you are careful.”

My mom came over, sat next to me and kissed me on the forehead. She then said, “I thought you were going to tell us you were moving to Colorado.” (For the longest time I had talked about moving out there.)

From there, it was easy telling the rest of my family. Everyone accepts me for who I am– and my partner. They love him as much as they love me.

I encourage and will support anyone who needs it.

Thanks for listening to my story.

Contributed by: Robert R.
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“When are you going to tell me? When you are walking down the aisle?” asked Lena.

“Huh, what are you talking about?” I replied.

“You’ve been super happy lately; I’m sure your seeing someone. Every time I bring it up, you change the subject. Well, what’s her name?” Lena responded.

She was right. I had been seeing someone. But she was wrong about one thing; the “her” she referred to was really a “him.”

I work with Lena; she is one of my closest friends. I normally tell her everything. Over the past few years, she was there for me as my marriage fell apart.

I went back to my desk and wrestled with the idea of telling her. Was I ready to make such a leap? Up to this point, I had not told anyone. No friends. No Family. If I was to tell anyone, she was the person. My rational side was telling me that it would not make a difference to her. Yet, part of me, driven by fear, was telling me that she would hate me.

My heart was racing as I sent her an e-mail to let her know I needed to talk to her. After spending the rest of the morning playing phone tag with each other, we decided to go to lunch. In the car Lena asked me what was wrong. The panic on my face must have been obvious. I could feel my palms sweating and the level of panic increasing. I couldn’t get myself to bring out the words. Lena started guessing. A string of questions followed, and I answered “No” to all of them. Finally, she said jokingly, “It’s not like you’re dating a guy.”

I looked down, as I replied, “Bingo.”

I felt the car swerve to the left, then back to the right. After a moment of silence, she started asking more questions. It was still difficult for me to answer, but I was able to get the answers out. I got more and more comfortable as we continued to talk about it. A surprising thing started to happen; I started feeling a sort of liberation. I realized I was no longer alone with this.

The next few people I told were other close friends at work. I was still afraid, and I needed Lena with me as I told them – OK, fine, I made her tell them. I started referring to her as Courage. With each person told, I got more confident.

With my closest friends told, it was time to start telling family members. My sister was first. Once again, it wasn’t a big deal to her. Next was my wife. Although we’d already been separated for over 4 years, I was petrified about what her reaction would be. Her initial reaction wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t horrible. I gave her a day to mull it over then called her back to talk more about it. The second conversation went great. We talked openly and we were able to make it a non-issue and move on.

Over the next month I continued to tell people, and the people I didn’t personally tell learned about it through the grape-vine. The reactions I got from people continued to be the same. It wasn’t a big deal. No one changed their opinions about me. Those who like me still liked me, and those who didn’t still didn’t.

After 3 months, everyone knew except one – my father. That one was hard and I could not personally do it. Something told me he would ultimately be able to adjust to it, but I thought his initial reaction would be bad. If it did indeed go bad, and he made any negative comments to me, I was afraid I would not be able to forget them later. I asked my sister to tell him. His initial reaction was indeed bad, but ultimately by the end of their conversation he told my sister that I was still his son, and he just needed a little time to get his mind around it. He said he would call me in a few days. It actually took him about 3 weeks with prodding from my step-mother. It was a very uncomfortable conversation in which he decided we would never talk about it. This plan has proved to be fine. He has continued to treat me just as he always did with one exception; he has only stopped asking questions about who I was dating.

I decided to share my experiences because like most people going through this, the fear I felt was incredible. I have had no regrets. I am a much happier person.