NEPA Rainbow Alliance: Gay Pride Service Organization

Coming Out:  Jim’s Story

Sometimes, sacrifices must be made in order to gain something.  And, when coming out, acceptance sometimes is one of those sacrifices.

James, 53 of Dunmore has been out for two and half decades.  Coming out, for him, meant losing a few close friends.  However, now happily married he has come to terms with what he lost, and happy for what he has gained.

James was 25 years old when he first came out to others, although he knew he was gay since age 19.  He first came out to a girl he was dating at the time.

“What can I say?  I was trying to be straight,” he admitted.  “But once I admitted the truth to myself, I couldn’t lie to her and have her hope for something that would never be.”

James was also in the Army, and during this time he was fearful of people finding out his secret.  That, personal emotions and how to introduce his partner were all some challenges he had to overcome.

“I couldn’t stand the lying.  Also, when I was in the Army, I was always fearful of someone finding out.  It was also difficult knowing how to introduce my partner at the time.  I didn’t want to lie, but I couldn’t face telling the truth.  I certainly felt different and less than my brothers and sisters and friends because of being gay,” he said.

When James came out to his family, he had been with his partner, Larry two years.

“My family did not know that we were gay.  Imagine that,” he said.

At the time, James’ partner was divorced with three children.  While his ex-wife had custody of the children, Larry’s oldest son had some problems with his stepfather and ran away to be with his father.
James’ decided that because of Larry’s ex-wife temperament and fear of her taking Larry to court for a custody batter, he decided it was time to come out to his family.

“I thought that I would rather have my family hear I was gay from me, rather than possibly read it in the papers,” he said.

James is the youngest of five children, with two older brothers and two older sisters.  Shortly after Larry’s son moved in with them, he decided he would come out to his family in writing.  He sat down and wrote each sibling a personal letter.

“It turned out that none of them or their spouses suspected I was gay, except for one brother-in-law,” he said.  “There were all supportive and each took their turn to call me and they basically said that it didn’t matter.”

James added that one brother said he didn’t understand but said, “You’re still my brother.” However, James added that his coming out was something that none of his siblings really wanted to talk about.
Coming out to his siblings was the first step.  James’ mother was deceased at the time, and he waited until much later to tell his father.

“We both had a lot to drink (when I told him.)  The next day I went down to see him again and the first thing he said was, ‘I remember everything we talked about last night and it’s okay.’”

After he came out, James says he felt much better.  However, there were still challenges.

“It was freeing.  But, I think I still had some internal homophobia that I had to work on.  But, I felt much better about myself,” he said.
Another challenge he faced, like many others do, is the process of coming out, over and over again.

“It was hard in the beginning.  After I tell my family, who do I tell next?  How will they react?  My most dominant thought at the time was I would lose everyone, not because of who I am (which I was told was a nice person), but because of what I am,” he said, adding that he didn’t tell his coworkers right away.

As far as losses go, James says he lost his best friend and the relationship with the girl he was seeing at the time he came out.
But what he gained was a husband.  James and Larry were married May 20, 2006 at the Victoria Inns and Suites in Pittston.

“It was wonderful, everything that we both had dreamed of. We had 90 people in attendance family and friends, straight and gay.  And the ceremony was performed by our good friends Richard Todd and Giles Leech. They actually introduced us. I met Larry on a blind date.”
James continued: “After we exchanged our vows everyone in the room started clapping and cheering.  It was a moment we will both always remember.  Thank goodness we have it on tape!”

James said that after the ceremony, he and Larry felt closer than they did before.  (“If at all possible!”)  And, he heard something very meaningful from one of his brothers.

“My straight brother told him with all sincerity, ‘your part of the family now,’” said James.

James said that coming out, over 25 years ago, has been a remarkable experience.

“It’s frightening and exciting and puts a calm and peace in my life that I had not known up until then,” he said.  “I am happy, content and positive about who and what I am.  It’s great.”

Now that he has found a lifetime partner that he shared vows with in front of supportive friends and family, life is even better.  Perhaps, complete.

“I’m happier than I have ever been, even with all of the everyday problems that all people have, we both have our anchor now and it will hold us close for a lifetime.”

Editor: Donna Talarico