Call for Advice…
Everyone — please read the below message we recently received. Leave any suggestions by clicking Comments or by clicking here.
Dear Rainbow Alliance:
My partner and I live in Northeastern PA…My high-school age daughter has a male friend who was “outed” to his parents by someone…Unfortunately they are not taking it well. The mother has a drinking problem…. I know this boy also….really nice kid. From what I understand from my daughter and her friends and a few other parents…The mother has really flipped…taken away his car, his cell phone, and he is basically under “house arrest” at home and is only allowed to go to school and work…Apparently, the mother has also called his employer and told them to fire him because he is a “faggot”…..We are all concerned for Jeff! If you could give me any suggestions on what we can do as a community or individual, I would really appreciate it. Thanks so much!
Thanks!
Posted by Rainbow Alliance on Sat (2/10/07) in Community
February 11th, 2007 at 3:14 am
I don’t know if I can help in any way. Coming out to a parent is as hard if not harder than coming out to oneself. But if seems they always have a premonition that it is true. She really needs a hard dose of reality and know it is not her fault or something she did or didn’t do that caused this. Gayness is natural. It occurs in every nationality in the world. What more can I say? “This is not about you honey, let it go” If I can stress anything - it is that it is not about you! Your own insecurities have nothing to do with it. Being gay is as natural as being born with a birthmark. Get over it! Love your son because he is your son. God did not create junk. You are his vessel and he is your child. Be at peace with it. Don’t be afraid to console in others, but be aware that others views may be just as tainted as yours. God has a plan for us all. Remember that.
Paul
paulfarrelldesigns@mac.com
February 11th, 2007 at 5:30 am
Mom is definately in need of an intervention here. Sadly she is deep enough in to her alcohol dependency that she has forfeited her ability to love her own son. By focusing attention on Jeff she is rationalizing that attention will be drawn away from her own faults. Clearly Jeff needs to be taken out of this environment. Not sure of his age but I can assume that since he is still in school he is not 18. The circumstances need to be reported to local children and youth authorities and he needs to be physically separated from this unnecessary trauma that he is experiencing. Would also recommend he try to attend alanon meetings to help him understand that his mom is “really” sick and needs to get better and that he is not the bad person a.k.a. “faggot” that she is making him out to be. Oh, and prayer works…pray for both Jeff and Mom.
February 11th, 2007 at 9:31 am
Not knowing his age other than between 16-18—-since he has a job, he might consider the legal route of emancipation. Perhaps someone from lambda defense can advise him.
February 11th, 2007 at 10:03 am
This is so sad. I’m really not sure what can be done though. I’d certainly like to reach out to Jeff and let him know that there is a lot of support out there. His mom really does need help for her many issues.
February 11th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
First of all the mother should be condoned for what she is doing to her own child. how horrible is she! and to have him fired from his job because he wants to be gay rather than straight again that mother needs some serious help. Someone needs to reach out to the mother and get the mother some help not the kid because the kid did nothing wrong and she can’t put him under house arrest because he doesnt want to be straight and do things that the others do but rather lead a life of being gay. Mom needs to check herself into rehab and get some help for the drinking because apparently she does not realize what she is doing to her own son. Where is the father in all of this ? how about when the child is at school - he has to be able to turn to someone so that he is not in that negative environment at home. This is terrible I am 32, i dont have any children i am happily married for 5 years and if this were my child i would not ever do this to my child. children are the most precious gift and if the kid is old enough to go to work and school, then he has to do something while at school to get away from the situation at home. if there is anything that i can do you have my email i will do what i can to help as my good samartian gesture.
February 11th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
The mother should be reported for psychological abuse of her child. Jeff should get connected with a support group of other gay teens and, possibly, legal counsel to explore the emancipation option. If you know other members of the family or close friends who are familiar with the situation, getting them involved might help. Good luck to Jeff.
February 11th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
I would suggest finding someone who can talk with this mother who really understands this from a parents perspective. Yes, she needs help for her drinking problem but this will not necessarily help her accept her son. Most parents are very resistant in the beginning but she needs time to let everything sink in and give her the opportunity to be able to reach out. I would gladly talk to her or anyone concerned with the situation since I do understand being the mother of a gay son. Please feel free to call me at 287-8504 during the week. Jeff needs lots of support from all of you which I am sure he gets. Be careful how this is handled if he is a minor. Parents to have rights when it comes to their children if you agree with them or not unless abuse is involved although I do think she is being emotionally abusive. The mother has gone to extremes right now but she is scared. You can pass this on to Jeff and he is welcomed to call me also. It might be better coming right from him to suggest to his mom that there is someone she can talk to……hope this helps
February 11th, 2007 at 7:23 pm
I was going to suggest an intervention also. Perhaps they could find a sympathetic clergy person so that the mother might see that God is not discriminatory, why should she be?
February 11th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Child Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. It can be verbal and this sounds like a clear cut case of child abuse. If this youndg man can n ot be emancipated due to age or finances he can still be removed and placed with someone who is able to care for him.
February 11th, 2007 at 10:49 pm
Is the school aware of the problem? Has there not been any intervention at school to this point? Jeff should be able to find someone who is supportive at school (counselor, principal, teacher, etc.). School personnel are required to report any situation such as this that they are aware of to local authorities who are required to investigate. This puts legal protection into the picture which is necessary to allow this situation to be handled.
Mother’s problems and son’s problems need to be separated so they are easier to deal with. Physical separation is probably necessary to allow this to happen. After mother deals with her problems, she will perhaps be able to look more objectively at her situation with her son.
Jeff, you are a decent, normal person. There is nothing wrong with you. You have my prayers and support.
Frank
February 12th, 2007 at 10:44 am
I went through a VERY similar experience when I came out to my parents. My friends are what helped me through that tough time in my life. Also, my parents finally realized that they were the ones with a “problem,” not me. I can offer the services of a trained Social Worker (myself) to either this young man or his parents. Time will heal all wounds. Can we create some kind of support group for the young and newly out?
February 12th, 2007 at 11:40 am
He is always welcome–as anyone to attend our Gay-Straight alliance–OPEN at Keystone College
Jeff.Brauer@keystone.edu
February 12th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
I would say that the mother really needs help. I was in my 20s when i came out to my mother, and i assure you she responded exactly the same way as this boy’s mother–with the exception that i was living independently at the time and could not be held hostage in such a literal way. The ONLY thing that worked for my mother was talking to some people at PFLAG–about two years after i came out to her in which time no progress had been made. It’s impossible to say if this mother would be open to hearing from other parents who’ve gone through similar experiences and feelings about finding out a child is gay, but PFLAG is the only reason my mother and i can speak to each other today, and i would definitely recommend contacting them. Even if it is the boy who has to contact them to ask them for help/advice.
And if possible, it is probably best for this boy to get out of his mother’s home, through whatever means would be best for him in the long run. And even if his mother won’t budge, i imagine he really needs someone to talk to in order to keep himself in check. Dealing with such a strong rejection from a parent can lead to life and death situations, and everything should be done to make sure this boy is OK.
February 12th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
If he is under 18 I would call Children & Youth. What is happening to him is child abuse
February 13th, 2007 at 6:17 am
The GLBT organization in the area (GAYNEPA) should have built a resource list to move things along in steps. If the scenario is true, the abuse is severe enough for the boy to move from the mother to a guardian. Go to a trained GLBT counselor in the region with social work knowledge, and have them start the legal process. Most youth organizations do this, such as Valley Youth House in Allentown. What is the counterpart in the Wyoming Valley? If the boy is in high school, it will not be long before he is 18. If the boy has a sympathetic relative, he should talk to them, along with the counselor to be the guardians. If the boy “runs away” to them, the police will likely leave him with the relative as a guardian process is being put in place. Oftentimes, people from the local PFLAG will temporarily foster. If uncertain of the process, call the local legal services or children and youth (as already suggested) to start the process. If something is to be done, a caseworker (and that can be a concerned GLBT volunteer) must take on this project and start making calls. Our organization is a little far to start this process for the boy. Rainbow Alliance is a GLBT organization with hired staff and a budget- if they don’t have the resources for this, where are their resources going? They need to organize themselves so they do. Immediately.
February 13th, 2007 at 8:32 am
The Rainbow Alliance has provided the person who submitted this inquiry with such a list, as well as steps they can take. Because this was done anonymously through our help form, we have not been contacted by “Jeff” we are unable to provide any direct support at this time.
For reference, we refer such individuals to the following.
Counselors:
Dr. Marie Gray, Ph.D. - Psychologist & PTSD Specialist - 570-239-6356
Linda Keck, MA - Licensed Counselor - 570-718-1761
Thomas F. Brennan, Licensed Counselor - 570-401-3622
Agencies:
HELP Line: 570-829-1341
PFLAG of NEPA: 570-287-8504
Childrens Service Center: 570-825-6425
St. Stephen’s Episcopal Church & REACH: 570-825-6653
Support Groups:
Keystone College OPEN: 570-945-8306
Wilkes University ALLIES: 570-408-4731
February 13th, 2007 at 10:27 pm
I don’t know if this will be any help, but I had a friend with the same problem in high school. His mother had a drinking problem, and when he came out to her, she went off the deep end. I helped him as much as I could: came and rescued him from his house whenever it got really bad, let him vent as much as he needed, and constantly encouraged him to be proud of himself for who he is. So the only advice I have is to let your house be a safe haven for him. I’m guessing his mother would be in favor of him coming to your house to spend time with a girl in hope that it might end his “confusion” (as they so frequently like to think it is). So whenever he’s at your house or even in your presence, encourage him to be proud of himself for coming out of the closet. Let him talk as much as he wants, because the best thing you can do for him without taking things into legal matters is to be a good friend and a positive parental figure.
I don’t know where you’re from, but if he can drive at all, you can always tell him he is more than welcome to come hang out with O.P.E.N., the Gay/Straight Alliance at Keystone College. Jeff, the other members and I are always willing to lend an ear or give some advice.