NEPA Rainbow Alliance: Gay Pride Service Organization

Contributed by: Robert R.
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“When are you going to tell me? When you are walking down the aisle?” asked Lena.

“Huh, what are you talking about?” I replied.

“You’ve been super happy lately; I’m sure your seeing someone. Every time I bring it up, you change the subject. Well, what’s her name?” Lena responded.

She was right. I had been seeing someone. But she was wrong about one thing; the “her” she referred to was really a “him.”

I work with Lena; she is one of my closest friends. I normally tell her everything. Over the past few years, she was there for me as my marriage fell apart.

I went back to my desk and wrestled with the idea of telling her. Was I ready to make such a leap? Up to this point, I had not told anyone. No friends. No Family. If I was to tell anyone, she was the person. My rational side was telling me that it would not make a difference to her. Yet, part of me, driven by fear, was telling me that she would hate me.

My heart was racing as I sent her an e-mail to let her know I needed to talk to her. After spending the rest of the morning playing phone tag with each other, we decided to go to lunch. In the car Lena asked me what was wrong. The panic on my face must have been obvious. I could feel my palms sweating and the level of panic increasing. I couldn’t get myself to bring out the words. Lena started guessing. A string of questions followed, and I answered “No” to all of them. Finally, she said jokingly, “It’s not like you’re dating a guy.”

I looked down, as I replied, “Bingo.”

I felt the car swerve to the left, then back to the right. After a moment of silence, she started asking more questions. It was still difficult for me to answer, but I was able to get the answers out. I got more and more comfortable as we continued to talk about it. A surprising thing started to happen; I started feeling a sort of liberation. I realized I was no longer alone with this.

The next few people I told were other close friends at work. I was still afraid, and I needed Lena with me as I told them – OK, fine, I made her tell them. I started referring to her as Courage. With each person told, I got more confident.

With my closest friends told, it was time to start telling family members. My sister was first. Once again, it wasn’t a big deal to her. Next was my wife. Although we’d already been separated for over 4 years, I was petrified about what her reaction would be. Her initial reaction wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t horrible. I gave her a day to mull it over then called her back to talk more about it. The second conversation went great. We talked openly and we were able to make it a non-issue and move on.

Over the next month I continued to tell people, and the people I didn’t personally tell learned about it through the grape-vine. The reactions I got from people continued to be the same. It wasn’t a big deal. No one changed their opinions about me. Those who like me still liked me, and those who didn’t still didn’t.

After 3 months, everyone knew except one – my father. That one was hard and I could not personally do it. Something told me he would ultimately be able to adjust to it, but I thought his initial reaction would be bad. If it did indeed go bad, and he made any negative comments to me, I was afraid I would not be able to forget them later. I asked my sister to tell him. His initial reaction was indeed bad, but ultimately by the end of their conversation he told my sister that I was still his son, and he just needed a little time to get his mind around it. He said he would call me in a few days. It actually took him about 3 weeks with prodding from my step-mother. It was a very uncomfortable conversation in which he decided we would never talk about it. This plan has proved to be fine. He has continued to treat me just as he always did with one exception; he has only stopped asking questions about who I was dating.

I decided to share my experiences because like most people going through this, the fear I felt was incredible. I have had no regrets. I am a much happier person.